Thursday - 1.17.13
I've come to the conclusion I'm just a miserable person and being a mother doesn't help. It's not that I don't love my kids, its just that for the most part if their eyes are open I don't really care to be around them. You may be asking yourself why did I have children then? Well is it that hard to believe I was a stupid teenager that liked sex? I'm almost positive that if that wasn't the cause of 85% of births in this world the population would be cut down by, well 85%!
But having one was easy, I think... I wasn't that great of a mom back then, as I was still growing up. And then my first husband dying didn't make it any better, even though he wasn't my sons father, he was the only thing holding me up. The next 5 years after his death were a big blur with lots of partying, a couple of husbands and who knows what else. Is it any wonder I'm all screwed up now.
After I got pregnant with my daughter I put my foot down and straighten up my life. And now that I have pulled it all together (mostly) and dedicated myself to being a better mom I feel like I'm losing it mentally! Really I didn't realize just how miserable of a person I was until I had my second. Now I'm having a third little blessing and my husband still dreams of two more after this, however, I would rather be tortured and burned at a stake then have two more kids. Don't get me started on how miserable I am being pregnant!
Maybe this rant is just pregnancy hormones or jitters, but there are seriously times that I wonder how I'm going to survive motherhood. Sometimes I feel like I am so concerned with them being as perfect and well behaved as possible that I take all the fun out of it for both of us! And yet no matter how much I tell myself I need to ease up, tomorrow I will get caught in that web of being a control freak again. I think I need meds... after the baby is born of course.
So how do you make being a mother enjoyable? Go easy on me I'm a pregnant emotional mess remember!
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I wish I knew. I'm dreading being a mother right now. I see so many women that are so happy about being pregnant and looking forward to motherhood. I'm still waiting for that and he could be here any day now! Hang in there, even if it's by a thread for now
ReplyDeleteYea I've giving up on achiving happiness during pregnancy, I'm just attempting to survive it at this point! Newborn is my favotrite stage, I love when they make the little coos and smooshy faces. I can't wait!
DeleteOh, girl. I totally feel this post!
ReplyDeleteI got married at 18 years old and we had our first of three kiddos that same year. I love and adore our little family of five but it'd be a big, fat LIE if I didn't admit to having days where I'm thinking, WHAT. THE. HECK. IS. HAPPENING. HERE. ?!
I think becoming a wife AND mother so young, I was pressured and bullied by a bunch of naysayers- people who said we'd never make it or it would go the way of every other high-school-sweethearts-turned-domestic story. Because I'm the kind of woman that is stubborn and likes to prove my "haters" wrong, I did everything I thought I should do- or tried my darndest at least! Then, last year, after my marriage almost DID fall apart, I had an epiphany- all I'd been doing this ENTIRE time was proving them right! If I was "faking" half of our life and "forcing" my kids and husband into this mold of what I thought we should be, wasn't that exactly what those naysayers said I was doing? So, my amazinglyamazingamazeful husband and I got our stuff together and now my parenting philosophy is this: I'll give what I can, do my best, each and every day- and as long as my kids are taken care of I will NOT have that "mom guilt" anymore! I actually wrote an entire post on "mom guilt" not too long ago, so trust me, I totally understand!
I think you should just trust yourself and never accept that you're a "bad mom" just because you aren't a Stepford Mama like some women are. Some women are better suited for it, some women think they are but aren't. Good days, bad days, days where you feel like losing your mind- just keep your head up!
Sorry for the lengthy comment! I just had a lot to say. :) Plus, it seems we have a similar super-fondness of All Things Wonderland so it makes me wanna talk to ya more, I guess! Haha.
Hang in there!
Chantal Hickey
adventuresinhickeyland.blogspot.com
Howdy Chantal! Thank you for the "lengthy" comment! I'm always happy to hear when other feel better about themselves when the read what a wreck I am. No but really it's nice to meet you and I look forward to getting to know you better. I'll head over and check out you blog as soon as I feed the starving, helpless people in my home also known as my family!
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