Thursday - 5.29.2013
Do you ever feel like your just maintaining your life? Life isn't bad but its not super happy either, you just go through the motions to keep it all running smoothly. That's where I am right now, just floating, maybe its just having my third baby. But sad to say it has felt like this for a while.
Sometimes I feel like my life is a movie thats cuts in somewhere around me being 26, pregnant with my second child and on my third marriage to a real loser. Maybe I have blocked out so much of my life before that, that this is where I came back into focus. Like I tell everyone when I'm telling my story, my life spiraled out of control after the sudden, tragic death of my first husband, I think I just entered a fog. So when the fog cleared around that time I was completely unprepared for being a single mom of two.
I was in maintain mood then too come to think of it, maybe more like survive mood. Than my current husband circled back around and resuced me from myself, well for a little while. I get uncomfortable when things are going to good, maybe that's all this is. I feel distant from my husband and he does too. I love him half to death, would do anything for him, he's a good provider, great father and amazing hubby, so where is my head?
Things have been insanely crazy around us, remodeling my parents house that we will soon be living in and buying from them. Picking out tile, carpet, cabniets and paint for everything has been pretty overwhelming, not to mention the fact that we are doing all the work ourselves and on a time limit because of the insurance company. Plus there is a lot of tention at the house, I cant say anything yet, but it isn't an easy environment to work in. It also makes it hard that I have to bring the baby and stop what I'm doing every 20 minutes to tend to her.
Having a new baby is bringing its own challenges anyway. She's a very good baby, but I am dealing with some postpartum anxiety. To make matters worse I started back on birth control and my milk production slowed down. So 7 days into my preferred method, NuvaRing, I have to switch to a progesterone only pill in hopes that my milk will go back. In the meantime I have a cranky baby that wants to feed every 2 hours and we both have the stomach flu (again!)! I'm worry about this new pill, I don't do well on birth control, I get weird and the ring was the first one I liked, oh well, babies needs come first.
My blogging and designing are taking off now, of course it couldn't happen while I was sitting in bed everyday doing nothing. My responsibilities to God are falling very short. I really need to qet on a workout schedule. I have bitten my nails so badly they bleed, I really need to get acrylic on, but I have no time! Have I mentioned we need a new car? I drive Besty, she a Chevy Trailblazer, she been good ole girl, but things are starting to break and we have out grown her.
So with so much going on, the summer already mostly planned and my street bike collecting dust, its easy it see why I'm antsy. So how do I get out of the habit of just maintaining and start enjoying? Maybe I'm just praying out loud... Does God read blogs?