Monday - August 6. 2012
I spent four years of my life wasting away in, a place referred to by it's own inhabitants as hell on earth, so is it any wonder why I'm sitting here with anxiety down to the pit of my stomach. The moment I saw the familiar signs and the off ramp I had taken oh so many times, the pain of why I needed to get out this desert in the first place, stings deep in my heart. Oh the AV, (Antelope Valley, CA) a place known for cheap hookers, cheaper bars and even cheaper homes. It's the place the government sends the over flow of hoodlums from places like Compton, LA and Inglewood. HUD, section 8 and Well-fare are the norm for the members of this dysfunctional society. Also known for being the meth capitol of CA, not to mention the amount of drug abuse, drunks, bums and well you get the picture. Did I mention during the summer it gets to be about 110 F! Snows during the winter and is pretty much windy the whole year.
Hell, and even worse the life I lead here was nothing short of the of torment. I hit rock bottom as so many people who live here do. I, however, was one of the strong ones, I got out. See this place is like prison (not to mention 90% of the people that live here have been there) once you live in the AV its very, very hard to get out. You want to, but this place keeps getting you in just enough trouble that your sentence is always having time added on.
So why I am writing about it now? We were there this weekend, visiting some of the few descent people that live there. Why am I so bitter? If you have followed me for any amount of time and read even the shortest stories about me, you know I haven't had an easy life thus far. Well, this is the place I said enough is enough, crawled out of the rumble and finally fought back, not without losing it all (again). This is the place my ex-husband cheated on me, drug me through the mud for a year and then left me and our 2-week old daughter to fend for ourselves, with minus nothing I might add. Best thing that ever happened to me though. Now I find myself back in this place with a world wind of emotions. It's time to open the wound again so this time a may heal properly.
Guilt, remorse and need to forgive myself for stupid choices (or lack of actually making a decision), haunt me here. I can't blame all the pain on the formally mentioned prick above, although if he fell of the face of the earth, I cant say I would be sad. I made quite a name for myself on my own, I was a party girl. I could keep up with the boys bottle for bottle, I lived at the bar and my dress (or lack there of) gave the hookers on Sierra Hwy something to be jealous of. How did I go from that to the person to who I am today? Because of the excruciating pain I experience in this desert and my quest to find true happiness.
So what happened to me here? I'm working on the long version for the story of my life but in short: I was taken advantage by numerous people I thought were my friends. Strangled within inches of my life by a boyfriend I was financially supporting. Beaten so severely, a swat of Sheriffs busted in my back door, rip my boyfriend off me (different one) and hauled him of to jail, only to find out I was his dirty little secret as he was still with baby mama. Couldn't find a descent job, lost the house I was renting, and was taken advantage of some more. When I thought I had had enough I married formally mentioned prick. Spent the last three months of my pregnancy with my daughter on bed rest due to the non-stop chaos my ex-husband created. He would leave for days, turn off his phone and not tell me he was leaving. Finally I caught him, he left and I was forced to move back in with my parents at 26 with 2 kids.
But thankfully it got me out of the AV. Now I'm just realizing that leaving so abruptly I never had to time to grieve the lost of my stupidity. It's been about a year since we last came out and about 2 1/2 year since I made the run for it. I know why it didn't bug me to come back and visit before... The last 6 months I have been struggling with my emotional baggage, as life hasn't been this calm of me in over 10 years. My brain can comprehend that nothing chaotic is going on in my life and must deal with all that has happened.
The weekend out turned out just fine, although my anxiety almost ruined it for me as usual. One point stuck out from all of it though. My "other father" as I call him, told me I don't know how to do normal. As that pretty much nailed it on the head. How have I survived all this time without a therapist and good drugs?